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shhhnottom · 5 years ago

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I Got Bored. Here's A Book

Just a quick warning before we actually start this mass roller coaster of bullshit. If you are easily offended, feel free to stop and reverse your hand to the home page.

Also, this is not a story of any kind. It's just a random bunch of subjects that mean something to me and I ramble on about. I drank quite a lot whilst typing 90% of this and watched a fair amount of Netflix

Just take a look at these chapters. I think you could see where this is going to go:

Depression

Anxiety

Television

Self Harm

Procrastination

One Word Chapter

Didn't See That Coming?

Swearing

Panic Attacks

The End?

Just another warning, there will be a fair amount of swearing in this so if you want to censorit out, feck off. It's safer, trust me.

Depression

Yeah, lets start off dark. That seems like it's going to be a great plan. Let's face it, everyone has their bad days. Try to lie, I dare you. I have mine and they get me to a point where I just want to throw myself into a keg of ale and a couple bottles of whiskey. Has to be the good stuff, otherwise my sadness is made more sad. I mean, who wants to depressed and drink a bottle of Tesco value blended shite when there is a long list that will make you feel slightly better, like Jameson's, Tullamore Dew and Paddy's. Yeah, I went straight for the Irish whiskeys, sue me.

Anyway, after my lengthy dabble with the art of drinking myself into a coma every night, waking up for work in the morning, finishing work and continue to drink, I decided that I need to ruin all of the relationships I have built over the years with a combination of heartfelt insults and trying to throw myself into traffic when they are looking. I'm a lovely person, aren't I?

What I decided to do after several attempts on my own life, well two attempts anyway, is to take the fucking hint and realise I'm not supposed to die. Did you know, that therapy is actually effective and gets you to the place where you feel a lot better and not suicidal any more. You see, it's almost as if the doctors who say you are depressed and need therapy are speaking the truth. Who knew? You know what I found doesn't really help. If you decide that you don't need therapy and that finding pictures of celebrities who have decided to end their own lives and post that shit to Facebook, saying that “Even The Happiest People Are Sad”. Its almost like they decide, before they leave the house, that they don't want people on the outside who have cameras and social media accounts to take pictures of them whilst they are having a bad day, and post it all over the fucking place. Fucking hell, I went to therapy for a year before realising that I'm just a massive idiot and if I thought a little bit differently, I could get over all of that nonsense that was going on inside my head. I, now, look at my depression like its one big fucking meme and take the piss out of myself because that's how I can deal with it. I mean, I don't read books and here I am fucking writing one.

The main reason why I look so differently at depression now is because of the millennials who think because something hasn't gone their way, they have to post shit over social media complaining about how hard life is. You haven't even hit 20 yet, you pricks. Wait until you get to 25 or 30 and come to realise “I'm in a dead end job, going nowhere and I have no money”. Oh Jaysus, wait until that comes along. You will think that not getting laid in that shitty club is a holiday.

I mean, there are some great positives to come out of having depression, going to therapy and getting to a point where you are comfortable with living the life you have been given. I, myself have reconnected with people who I thought I had lost, through my incessant need to push them away. I have a better relationship with my parents, now that we have started communicating properly again. I am a lot less selfish, and have developed a form of empathy I had no idea I had inside. I've even tried to help some people in their times of need, when they were feeling at their worst. I once wrote a letter to someone to try to make them stop going down the same road I went down:

“I have this incessant need to do stupid things to hurt myself

I have broken my hand multiple times to avoid mental harm but have inflicted physical harm on myself

I have destroyed possible relationships in the desire to remain alone, to stop myself inflicting my mental harm upon others

I have kept myself busy in order to stop myself from pursuing a premature non existence”

Told you before that I was a lovely person.

It turns out that maybe, my experiences, aren't as bad as other peoples. It might also turn out that your experiences aren't as bad as mine but I'm not going to presume. Hopefully, you've enjoyed the first chapter, I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few chapters, mainly because I haven't written them yet.

Anxiety

Disclaimer,

I was fucking hammered and heavily depressed writing this chapter and tried to write it completely in the 3rd person. Enjoy.

Have you ever noticed when people get really offended they decide to inhale very dramatically and hold their chest as if they have been hurt so badly that their heart has been hurt? Imagine if those people develop a heart condition. You'll never be able to tell if they eventually do have a heart attack or if you've just told a really funny joke.

Just to reiterate, “this book” is just my thoughts written down whilst I have a couple of drinks and watch Netflix.

Someone once told me that a persons feelings are subject to the person they are. I know people that are massively bitter and their stomachs always hurt. All they do is moan about what other people do or think and then constantly moan that they are ill.

Here Tom, isn't this chapter about anxiety? I'm fucking getting to it. Chill the fuck out.

Getting back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. This person also told me that they get a sore throat every time they want to say something but they force themselves not to. Can you imagine what that's like? To not say what it is you want to say, just to not offend people.

I get super anxious around people who are better than me. I know someone who is literally the most caring person I have ever met. They care more about other people and how they feel than they do about how their life is going. Another thing I get anxious about is when I think that I've not accomplished what I thought I would have done by this point. I mean, I could claim that I was from a broken home, had to move from my home country to another and had to start my life from square one but I, then, realise that there are so many more people that go through that and I'm not special.

I've just poured another glass of whiskey. Its just about a half a glass. This shit is difficult to write about, can you tell?

If you haven't noticed yet, I like to make stupid jokes just to pass off that I'm OK in the head. “shakes head dramatically”. I put that in because you cant physically see me and I'm shit at drawing my head shaking.

I know a lot of people who smoke an arse tonne of weed just to get over their anxieties. Have you ever smoked weed? That shit is scary. I remember one time, New Year I think, I was working. Showed up at 10am, was supposed to be on until 6pm but it was so quiet that I got sent home after 2 hours. I went to the nearest town and drank like half a bottle of whiskey, well Jack Daniels. Does that count as whiskey? Its basically sugar with some ethanol. Along with several pints of beer and a shit burger from a Wetherspoons. Anyway, after drinking myself into a stupid comatose state where I was still somewhat functioning, myself and one of my friends went back to his house and he broke out the weeds, the green, the marry Joanna. After quite a lot of smoking and a bit more drinking I decided I needed to rest my eyes for a moment, just a single moment. Suddenly, I felt slightly ill in the stomach. I remember saying to him, “If you don't get a bucket, I'll throw up all over your floor”. However the video suggests something different. Yeah, there's a video. It goes something like this: “mmmmmmmmmmm mumuumumumu bucket muumuu floor”. The point is, there was a massive stain on his bedroom carpet for 6 months after. He didn't let it go. At all. The bastard.

That whole story doesn't explain how weed doesn't help my anxiety but I ran out of shit to say and I thought that would break some tension. Hopefully.

I'm currently listening to a song that tells you how to kill yourself. Yeah, this got dark really quick. Although, it has a great message. Don't rely on pop stars to write a song that will resonate with your feelings. Lady Gaga doesn't care if someone found her lyrics about the paparazzi inspirational enough to make them not kill themselves. (There are many pop stars out there who do the same thing, Lady Gaga was just the first person who came to mind). They've made their money, after that they just carry on making new “inspirational songs” and go on a new tour, make more money and the cycle continue. I listen to Twenty One Pilots' album Vessel when I feel really anxious. Seriously, those guys write about what they feel instead of what some songwriter thinks what other people feel.

Hey Tom, how are you going to bring this chapter out of the hole its in? You expect me to be funny and make a point? Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah....Hey Jude.

I've been at this chapter for too long now. I'm fucking done. Good luck understanding this mess I've just read this back. I mean, seriously, if you've got through this well done.

Television

Ah now for fucks sake. Who's idea was it to put in Television as a chapter? Mine? Nah, doesn't sound right. I'm not that fucked up to put this in here. I mean I'd put in music or video games. I'm more interested in those than I am in TV. Fine, Fucking, Fine. I'll talk about this stupid subject. I mean, fuck me. Dumb ass.

At this current moment in time I am watching the second season of Jack Ryan and I can conclusively say that I am not disappointed. Two episodes in and it has been a massive thrill ride. I mean, to go into Venezuela at the current moment is brave just to film a TV show. They must have spent more money picking the safest place to film there than it cost to pay the actors. I could imagine that John Krasinski isn't that cheap to hire after the first series and after the US Office. Not including his directorial debut in the Quiet Place. Magnificent.

I've also watched the Netflix series Daybreak about a dirty bomb going off in L.A and only people under the age of 18 surviving. Very clever concept for a show, and the fact that they managed to film in parts of L.A is even more impressive for a small time TV show.

3 paragraphs I managed to get through before getting to a point. I decided to throw on the last thing I was watching on Netflix to emphasise said point. Yeah, I'm watching the last series of How I Met Your Mother. DONT START. Seriously, I know. Up until the last 2 episodes it was OK. It was a great story overdone by bad direction.

4 paragraphs, look at me.

OK, by this time, I'm sure you're getting it. TV is a great way to distract yourself from the real world. A great way to distract from your problems in the world. I mean, you've got to find the right show for you but there are so many out there at the moment and so many ways to watch them. There will always be people who say that you shouldn't waste your time sat and watching TV, go do something with yourself. Just imagine what those people do when they get in from their days at work. They come home, sit in an empty chair and look at their walls. I mean, they could be reading a book. Preferably, this one. Or maybe not, but my point is still valid. You could read your books and force your brain to imagine the world that the book is coming to or you could spend the time to celebrate the people that have done that before you and decided to 'Do something with themselves' and make their favourite book into a magnificent visual performance. I mean, at this point, I have switched to the modern Sherlock Holmes series, which as everybody knows is brought to life from the many stories written by Arthur Conan Doyle. This TV show is 90 minutes long per episode and is very entertaining, so you never seem to notice that the time goes by. This means that if you are feeling a certain way at the start of the show, there is a 90 minute period where your feelings could change, your opinion of the world could change.

OK, I have nothing left to rant about here. If I were to speak about another music or video games I would have been here for another 6 pages but I figured your time would be spent better here.

I mean I wrote the names of the chapters before I wrote the actual chapters themselves so you're as stuck as I am with what gets written. I could change this but where's the fun in that.

Good luck reading the next chapter. I promise, I will be completely hammered writing it because I'm going to continue writing after this chapter. I am currently on the verge of tears now so, I guess good luck to me too. Thank you for reading up to this point if you have. I've tried to keep it fun but now I'm into serious mode.

Self Harm

Hey people, lets enter dark mode. I mean every other company on the planet has already done it. I mean, apart from Facebook but those bastards let political propaganda through, so I guess that counts.

I mean, that's the shortest joke I've told so far so, for the people that know me, know that this will be a bastard of a chapter. And also ,for people that know me will also be looking at this chapter going, 'He's not seriously going to talk about this, is he?' Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Over the last five years, there have been several moments I am ashamed of. All of which are my own fault. I once launched an egg at someone because the oil that I was supposed to put it in splashed at me.

Did you know that even talking about a certain subject can sometimes bring up feelings you hate? Coming to realise that.

I fell for a woman. Gorgeous, smart, beautiful. We had a lot in common. She was my perfect equal apart from she was caring and humble about it. I'm an arrogant bastard. She was single at the time and I thought I had some form of chance to win her over not knowing everything about her. At this time, I was a very possessive person. I would have done anything to be with her. I let this attribution take control of me at the worst time. I wanted to play the long game, get to know her and eventually ask her out. I went out for drinks with a friend one night. Got absolutely rat arsed. I found out, that night, that she had been asked out by somebody else and she had accepted. I didn't know her very well by this point but because of my possessive compulsion, I took this very personally. It was neither of their fault, just myself.

Some time had passed and I was trying to prove my self worth to this woman. She was still with the same man and I was still jealous. Another night, another time these people were around me, another time that I tried to make it about me.

9 shots of tequila later. 9 exactly. Someone kept count by keeping a tally on my arm. In marker, before you get to excited. I'm not sure of how many other drinks on top but it was 9 tequilas. Anyway, I'd had some minor thoughts in the past of how my life should end but that night my head went into overload. You know, that summer was so bad for me I don't even know if this was the same night. Anyway, after some time and a lot of drinks later, I figured that this was the end of the night for me. Well, end of something for me. I had decided that this was the last straw for my bad luck in this world.

There is a point where half the people I know think a certain habit started but in actual fact this story is where my habit actually began. Everyone has their own stories, where they cut their wrists to fill some form of void, to feel. There are some people who look for it sexually, unfortunately I'm not the lucky. I decided this night out of pure frustration to pull said woman aside, point at a wall and told her that was how I felt when I was around her at that point. I was a brick wall. I wanted noting else at the time to kill that brick wall. So, what I did next is, by far the thing I regret the most. Out of everything I've ever done and believe me, I've done some bad shit. Over and over again, I punched that wall until I could no longer feel my hand and then, I carried on until I broke my hand and then, I carried on until somebody pulled me away from the wall. By this time, I had broken my hand in 2 places, I was bleeding all over the place and I had broken every friendship I had built and every relationship I had hoped to build. I think the most embarrassing thing for me was, the person who bandaged me up was the person who had the balls to ask the woman I had fallen for. Could you imagine? This was the person I had blamed for driving me to the place I was. He helped bandage me up and the woman who I had fallen for was consoling me and trying to help me get through what was in my head. I could not take this. In my head, I would never be able to recover from this. I continued for another 18 months to cut myself, punch walls, headbutt walls, kick and break my hand and other bones in my body. I was always in a mental state where I never thought that I was good enough until I decided that enough was enough.

Surprisingly, when people say that therapy works, they are telling the truth. Big wow. I think its safe to say I am definitely stupid enough to continue writing this nonsense. Well there's a few more chapter so lets see where we end up.

Procrastination

OK so its been a solid 2 months since I wrote the last chapter, which is long enough by anyone's standards, but for me, being the stubborn prick that I am, is no time at all. I mean, I can not do something for an extended period of time. It took me a year to launch a business I could have launched in 6 months only because I changed my mind on whether or not I wanted to start the bastard thing in the first place. It took me spending a grand on my first design to actually say, “Yeah, I'm in too fucking deep here to pull out”.

I've gone through 90% of my life not doing things when they needed to be done in favour of doing them the very last second, mostly because I was scared that they would never work out in the way that I wanted them to and that I would constantly be they failure I feared I always would be. I never believed that anything I was doing was worth the time or effort to do. I decided at the very end of college that I wanted to go to university but by the time I had decided this, it was too late to take seriously and I missed out. I did 3 years in college whilst everybody around me only did 2 because of this. Still, I never went to university so I guess that third year was pointless but the point was that I spent so much time on the internet playing online games instead of revising for exams and concentrating on my coursework.

This got very serious when it got suggested to me that I might need to go to therapy to sort out what was going on inside my head. I kept telling people that I would go eventually because I never though that I was “that” bad but going by what you have read in the previous chapters proves that I made the mistake of putting it off. Big woop. I did go in the end but it took some serious relationship breakdowns, quite a few broken bones and the attraction to my inevitable early grave to accomplish.

I think the message here is to not be afraid of what you thin will fail. Give what you want a try and if it fails, get back up and try it again in a different way. Never give up on something if you really want it to happen and listen to the people who you care about, who also care about you. Especially when they are telling you something is wrong and they are concerned.

One Word Chapter

Vukei

Didn't See That Coming?

Yeah, you probably should have seen that one coming. Its literally called a one word chapter.

It took me two minutes to choose the word. I had an unlimited choice to go with across multiple languages, so me being me went for the most obscure language of Fijian. What does the word mean? Do I look like Google?

There is no moral to this chapter. I just needed to fill in a gap to make this “book” look more full than it actually is. I mean, the moral could be that I've got to a point where I am comfortable enough to actually start doing what I say I am going to and then do it. I still get people telling me to do the most ridiculous things and saying that I will never do them because of the person I used to be. Imagine the look on their faces when I actually come through with the goods. I started a joke with a friend where , when we worked together, we would always listen to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus whilst we worked and when we stopped working together, whenever the song came, we would SnapChat the other whilst the song was on. We said that this wouldn't last long so I personally made sure that the joke carried on. At the time of this being written we haven't worked together for over a year and the joke is still going.

Swearing

Welcome to this shit storm of a chapter. Do you ever notice that when you hurt yourself in a bad way you cant help but swear. That's because it releases a small amount of dopamine into your brain to help ease the situation you are in and stops some pain in the process. Weird, right? I'm in the strange occupation of chef where I am constantly getting burnt, cut and verbally abused in different languages, so swearing is one of those things that helps with the day to day survival of working in kitchens. I could fall into one of the other 5 habits that a chef develops as a result of the stupid work that we have to do. Those habits being:

Drug Abuse

Alcohol Abuse

Gambling Addiction

Caffeine Addiction

Smoking

I do suffer from 2 of these. Not saying which ones but I do have people around me that think I'm on at least 4 of them so that's nice but in every profession there is the secret, hidden thing that helps them through the day and that's the swearing aspect. I don't think, in the last 3 years, I have gone a day without telling someone that they should fuck themselves or that they are a cunt with them being aware that I am just taking the piss out of them an I don't mean half the shit I say. It just becomes habit to tell people to fuck off or suggest that they shove a large object up their rectums.

I used to knock the shite out of walls to relieve stress but I would always swear like a cunt after I would do it thinking to myself “You are a stupid prick and I hate you”. I would then look at my hand, laugh and say out loud “Ha you are a cunt”. The thought was always I would get over some of the pain if I constantly just swore to myself and carried on as if nothing had happened. Of course, my hand would always hurt for days afterwards and I would be swearing until it healed only to find another wall to knock shite out of and the process would start all over again.

Panic Attacks

A friend once said to me, “Bring A Harmonica Everywhere You Go, So If You Have A Panic Attack You Can At Least Make Some Music”. I never bought the harmonica but it is a very good way to portray what its like to have regular panic attacks. Could you imagine just busking in town, guitar in hand trying to be the next Ed Sheeran and then suddenly, your heart starts to blast out of chest, you feel light headed and you start to hyperventilate. That would be the best time ever to pull out your harmonica. You'll be on the floor with tears rolling down your face but you'll be smashing that cover of You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty.

I starting writing this back when I was having regular panic/anxiety attacks, every 2-3 days in fact, but getting to this point its a bit more every month so, yay progress but I wrote the chapters out months before and I said I would follow through with it so here I am.

Funny story, I once had a panic attack in a nightclub whilst sat on a replica of The Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, whilst my friend was out on the pull. That's the whole story, seriously, but could you imagine having a great time up until the point when you realise you are surrounded by 250+ people you don't know, with a severe case of crowd anxiety and your friend abandons you for the prospect of sex. My head exploded and there was a very attractive looking wall outside that I felt needed a makeover. Never got the makeover, the lucky bastard.

I used to make the biggest mistake for myself whenever I felt anxious, panicky or depressed because when my depression was really bad, my drinking made it so much worse because I lost the control that I had over myself. My mistake in recent times is that, when I started to feel like my old self, I would have a drink to try to combat it. That is the mistake I would make. Try to stay away from my old self by doing what my old self would do.

Its got to a point now where, even where I am reading this back, and nothing in my body reacts. No anxiety, no panic and no depression. Well, saying that, I still have those feelings but they are not nearly as hurt filled as they were in the past. My secret, apart from therapy, on how I deal with life and why I am the way I am now is.

The End?

I mean, is there really an end to a story, an idea? I do have secrets, everyone does. My biggest is that I made a character in myself to try to avoid loving myself and anyone else. I acted as if I didn't care about other people to make it easier on myself if it came to a point where they let me down or, in the more realistic circumstance, where I let them down. I always tell people that I'm not a nice person to put them off this fact so that they see me as the character I made up. I make certain jokes to people to put them off and I say things to them to give them the idea that they need to avoid any form of relationship with me so that they don't get hurt in the crossfire of what I am.

In the 2 years since I have made this character, only 3 people have seen through it and seen me underneath, no matter how much I have tried to put them off. One of which is my mother, another being the woman mentioned in the Self Harm chapter and one more person who I fell for but not in the way I have before. Only because I am afraid of what would happen to me if I had made the same mistakes from before. Its really irritating trying to get people to keep the secret that I am a horrible bastard so I can stay in my own little bubble.

At the time in which I am typing this, I have not been to therapy for 2 months. In this time, I have learnt that:

Not everyone is out to get me

Not every decision I make will fail

I have the self control to not hurt myself physically or mentally

My emotions are not here to hurt me

I am capable of loving myself along with someone else

I am a nice person and I don't need to hide behind my old self

Swearing actually does help, I don't have any regrets there

Bring a harmonica to a panic attack if I want to be the next Tom Petty

Don't throw away the opportunity to love if given it. It will bite you in the arse if you do

Safe to say, even though I have my bad days, I have, recently, barely gone a day without having a smile on my face. For those who know me will know that this is a rare occurrence.

I don't think there will be a day where I don't think about the person I used to be. I'm sure I will use this as a defence mechanism in the future but I know that I will eventually get over it. If you ever see me later, if I ever just clench my fist. Just know that I am trying to counter act my old self. Not very helpful but still.

I want to thank every person who has helped me become who I am now because who I was previous was, to put it lightly, a total cunt. I have become a functioning person, with some glitches, only a couple though. I decided to thank everyone who helped me in person months ago but it needs to be said again to solidify my authenticity.

If you have read it to this far, you are one of the people who have helped me, inadvertently, but still thank you.

Tom

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curly-q-reviews · 6 years ago

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ROAD TO THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER AWARDS 2K19

A Star is Born, 2018 (dir. Bradley Cooper)

Nominated for: Best Original Song, Best Sound Mixing, Best Motion Picture of the Year, Best Lead Actor (Bradley Cooper), Best Lead Actress (Lady Gaga), Best Supporting Actor (Sam Elliott), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography

(TW SUICIDE, ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ABUSE)

(ALSO THIS IS A SPOILER-HEAVY REVIEW DONT READ IF U HAVENT WATCHED THE MOVIE YET AND WANT TO OK HERE WE GO)

WOWEE TWO REVIEWS IN A ROW IM ON A ROLL BABBIIIEEEE

ok so remember how i said in my intro that i didnt think this movie was deserving of best picture well uuhhhhhh i lied

or rather as ive been thinking about writing this review and the points im gonna bring up i kinda realized that this is actually a very VERY good movie and the reason i was biased against it is that 1. its the latest of four count ‘em FOUR iterations of the same film and im just so fucken done with remakes, and 2. it got a lot of commercial success mainly because of lady gaga who is like not a fantastic actress but she did do a pretty good job in this???? im gonna get into that later but for now lemme slap y’all in the faces with a healthy dose of ~Movie History~

as i mentioned earlier, this movie is a remake of a remake of a remake of a classic 1937 film starring hollywood starlet Janet Gaynor called- U GUESSED IT- A Star Is Born. the original film is not a musical at all and really has no music apart from the movie score, and is not about a musician but an up-and-coming actress’s rise to fame in hollywood. i really recommend seeing the original film (u can find it for free on youtube) because it gives a lil glimpse into what hollywood was like for young women trying to make it big from the late ‘30′s all the way into the ‘50′s. theres this whole scene going over how janet gaynors character esther blodgett has to go through a complete transformation, not just physically but character-wise. back in those days in hollywood u would have a whole team give u essentially a completely new identity, giving u a new name, changing your hair and eyebrow shape, creating a whole new backstory for you, and pinning down what “type” of actress you’d be (are you more of a pure innocent waifish type? or the hard-working mother? or the sexy yet airheaded provocateur a la marilyn monroe?). its really interesting! and also shows that hollywood has always wanted to control women so nothings really changed!!! great!!!!!!!

so the reason the sequel made in 1954 went for a more musical route is because they managed to get Wizard of Oz darling Judy Garland to play esther blodgett/vicki lester this time around. so now instead of a hollywood actress shes a stage performer trying to get her musical career started, and the musical element of the film is presented as her various stage performance gigs instead of it being like a “the music is the script” type scenario. this movie has arguably one of garland’s best performances on film, so im surprised that i only just found out about it when i was watching some videos about the history of A Star Is Born, but also i didnt know much about her filmography besides The Wizard of Oz anyways.

the third sequel, filmed in 1976, is the one that no one really remembers or talks about despite it starring the legendary Barbara Streisand (it doesnt even show up on the list of options on IMDb when u type in “A Star Is Born” which is kinda sad). esther/vicki is still a musician in this one, but this time shes a Rock Musician cause its the ‘70′s and rock n’ roll is god. her character is also vastly different than the previous two, who dont have a lot of agency in their own lives due to them being women and it being the ‘40′s/’50′s. this esther is a go-getter, independent and an activist, who plays around with gender norms and hyphenates her last name with her husband’s instead of taking his on fully. i havent seen this one yet but ive heard its not really the best of the bunch despite having streisand at the helm, but it did still win an oscar for best original song.

ok so now we have the newest addition to the family! Bradley Cooper’s take on this classic story is kind of a mish-mosh of different elements from each of its predecessors, taking the rock musician storyline from barbara’s and the subplot about changing the lead’s identity from the first two. one thing that is pretty much the same amongst all four of these however is the real meat of the story: the romance. esther/vicki/ally’s love interest and eventual husband (a movie star by the name of norman maine in the first two, a rock star named norman howard in the third, and a country rock star named Jackson Maine in this one) stays about the same character-wise in all iterations, with a few tweaks here and there. he discovers esther/ally performing, is infatuated with her, and helps her in some way to advance her career and propel her to stardom, all while the two fall in love and get married. norman/jackson has one really big vice in his life however: alcoholism (and in the 1976/2018 versions drug abuse is tacked on). this provides the tragedy for this love story, as norman/jackson cant seem to get a handle on his addictions, plus he has a hard time seeing his wife skyrocket into fame when his own career is swiftly going down the shitter. theres a big scene in which he sabotages her acceptance speech at an award show (whether it be an oscar or a grammy), she considers putting her career on hold to take care of him, and due to the overwhelming amount of guilt he feels over all this he commits suicide. and then the final scene is some iteration of esther/vicki/ally doing a tribute to her late husband, either in a speech with the original vicki or a singing performance with the three others.

i had planned on watching all of the other three A Star Is Born’s in preparation to write this review but i never got the chance to watch Garland and Streisand’s takes, so all i can really compare this new one to is the original. but man i gotta say when i watched A Star Is Born 2018 in theaters i cried like a wee baby, that shit was an emotional gut-punch, and the original was really good but didnt give me that same visceral reaction. im a real sucker for character-driven stories and this movie fits the bill. this is the most complex and nuanced norman/jackson’s character has ever been, whereas in the other versions hes just kind of a stuck-up jerk who is jealous of his wife and doesn’t know how to handle it. in this one he has a soul, u can understand how he got to be the way he is, which makes his ultimate demise all the more heartbreaking.

as far as esther/ally’s character goes, i feel like i’d like judy garland’s take more than lady gagas even though i havent even seen the 1954 version yet. but from the clips i have seen of it judy really knocks it out of the park, we really get to see how torn up she is over her husbands struggles and she gets real damn vulnerable. ally’s a great character dont get me wrong, shes independent and self-sufficient like streisand’s esther but with the moments of vulnerability that garland’s esther had, all sprinkled with a dash of realness. with this ally, we get to see more of her life like where she grew up and what her family’s like, which helps contextualize the kind of person she is. however im afraid that this new script almost gave jackson a little TOO much character to where hes suddenly the star of the show and ally almost feels like a supporting character when this is literally her story. so idk man it kinda feels like bradley cooper like hijacked the script so that he’d have a bigger role in the movie

ANYWAYS fuck where do i go from here ive already written so much uuhhhhh ok

ok ok ok ok ok ok

do i like this movie??? yeah its really good!! i’d say it deserves the screenplay and cinematography noms cause this movie does look fantastic and despite some shortcomings the script is also solid. as far as the acting noms go, bradley cooper for sure deserves his, he acted the shit outta this role and really brought jackson to life. lady gaga’s nom im a little iffy on even though i was pleasantly surprised by her turn at this classic character. i think the script also really played to her strengths and allowed her to shine, cause she was kind of essentially playing herself. BUT bradley cooper was able to coax out of her the best acting performance ive seen from her so far, so im excited to see where her acting career goes from here and see how she grows in this new facet of her life.

so lets get back to the whole best picture debate again. i think the main reason why im so reluctant to say that this really deserves that nom is that im kinda tired of hollywood rehashing the same movies over and over again, no matter how good the remakes end up being. i want a new and fresh story to get a chance, something that’ll really shake up the industry and get its blood pumping again. which is why im excited that a movie by yorgos lanthimos has a shot at best picture this year, cause heres a director whos trying something different. A Star Is Born getting a best picture nom just feels to me like hollywood and the academy going with what they know works, whats safe and tried and true.

however from a purely objective standpoint, i mean i cant deny this film is really REALLY good. even the music is fantastic, its been a few months since i saw the movie in theaters and “Shallow” still gets stuck in my head every so often. so u know, i wouldnt be too too mad if it does end up winning.

wow ive been writing for a long ass time my poor lil phalanges are about to fall off, im gonna end this rant here! lemme know what y’all think, whats the scoop, whats the dealio, all that jazz

hopefully one of these days ill have time to sit down and watch The Ballad of Buster Scruggs so that’ll probably be my next review, and then i gotta carve out some time to get my lil butt into a theater to see uuhhh everything else!! stay tuned y’all this movie train aint stoppin anytime soon we’re going ALL THE WAY BABBIIIEEEE YEEHAAAWWWWW

#road to the oscar mayer weiner awards 2k19 #curly q reviews #oscars #oscars 2019 #academy awards #a star is born #judy garland #barbara streisand #lady gaga #bradley cooper #janet gaynor #hollywood #romance #film #movies #the wizard of oz

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itsthebats · 7 years ago

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Soulmates

It's Valentine's Day, and Jason and Tim are doing a questionnaire to see who knows more about the other.

AO3

Jason’s kissing Tim when he suddenly stops.

They are in Jason’s house, and they are making out and it’s almost three in the morning when Tim sputters, “Wait!”

Jason jumps like three feet away, startled, and looks at Tim as he sits straight and closes his eyes for a second and then opens them in this creepy way that says he’s got a bad idea Jason’s not going to like. Tim says, “Today I was with Steph, and we were talking about Valentine’s Day, you know.”

“Ugh,” Jason mutters, because they tried. Tim sneaked out in Jason’s house—Jason thought he was a robber and almost shot him—to make Jason cookies, though Tim burnt them and instead of adding sugar he added salt, so they couldn’t eat them. Jason bought him flowers, but walking home someone tried to rob him and the flowers ended up kind of dead. And when they were seeing a movie on the TV and were about to kiss—at least they had that—they turned their heads at the same time and Tim somehow hit Jason in the nose, and Jason’s nose started bleeding. So after the bleeding stopped, they went to the bed and tried to sleep until Tim kissed Jason’s neck and they started making out again, this time successfully. Until now, at least.

“But it’s not anything difficult,” Tim says, smiling. Jason rolls his eyes, and Tim punches him lightly on the shoulder. “We were talking about what we were going to do, and I told her that I was going to come and make you cookies and—”

“Yeah, yeah, go on.”

“Okay, so she told me that a magazine she likes to read—”

“Oh no.”

Tim’s smile gets bigger, and Jason prepares himself for the worst. “There was this questionnaire to see how much you know about your girlfriend or boyfriend. So, she told me that we should totally try to do it.”

Jason looks at him in the eye, tries to think of all the ways this could go wrong—technically, it’s not the 14th anymore so their bad luck has passed, but it could still go wrong: maybe one of them don’t know one really important thing about the other and that messes up their relationship, or maybe they know something the other’s not supposed to know and their relationship ends up messed up anyway.

But it can be fun too, and Jason’s not one to back away from a challenge—this is some kind of challenge, right?—so, what the hell.

“All right, let’s do it,” he says, and Tim gets his phone.

“She texted me the questions,” he mumbles, scrolling down his screen. He sticks his tongue out, and Jason cant’s help but think that he would have preferred to keep kissing him, but whatever. “Okay, I got them. There’re twenty questions. This says that if you answer at least ten correctly, you know a fairly amount of things about your partner, but if you answer more than fifteen, you’re soulmates.”

“You know that’s bullshit, right?”

“Yeah,” Tim says, putting a strand of his hair behind his ear, “but it’s fun. Do you want to start?”

“Okay, but know that I’m going to know everything about you.”

Tim snorts. “You don’t even know everything about yourself.”

“Hey!” he complains, kicking him. Tim laughs. “Stop talking and let’s see who knows more.”

“All right. So.” He reads the question and laughs to himself. “How many boyfriends or girlfriends have I had before?”

“That’s easy,” Jason says, counting in his head. Okay, so, there’s Stephanie, obviously, and… that’s it, right? Or maybe… there was this girl, Lucius Fox’s daughter, but Jason doesn’t think they were together-together. No, wait, wait, Zoanne something, Tim was with her for a while. Two, then?

“I’m waiting,” Tim says, smirking, and Jason kinda wants to punch the smirk off his face.

“Shut up,” Jason says, still thinking. Okay, two then, three counting Jason. Tim doesn’t look like the guy who’s had many partners. That’s it, three. “Three.”

Tim laughs, and Jason curses. “No! I can’t believe you failed the first one. And I’ve told you about them!”

“How many, then?”

“Four! Steph, Zoanne, Ariana, and you.”

Ariana? “Who’s Ariana?”

“Ariana Dzerchenko,” Tim says, as if Jason had a clue. He rolls his eyes and adds, “We were together for a bit. But it didn’t work out. You still have nineteen left, don’t worry. My turn. How many girlfriends or boyfriends have you had? Um… okay, that’s difficult. You’re always bragging about how many people you’ve been with, so it’s kind of impossible to guess. Ten?”

Now it’s Jason’s turn to laugh, because oh boy does he have it wrong. “You think you’re so fucking clever,” he says, smirking, and Tim’s smile goes away immediately. “One, genius. I’ve only been with you.”

Tim opens his mouth, and he only says, “No.”

Jason rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “I’ve messed around with a boy or two,” he says, shrugging, “but I’ve never had a boyfriend. That’s 0-0.”

“Whatever,” Tim says, pouting. Jason leans on and presses a kiss to his lips, and Tim’s smiling again. “Next one: what’s something I do that I wish I didn’t?”

That’s really easy. “You bite your nails.”

“True. Okay, you pull your hair when you’re nervous.”

“Riiight,” Jason mutters, because he doesn’t like to be reminded of that. “1-1.”

“What are the last two books I’ve read?”

“Pfft. Try harder, you always leave your books around when you’re reading them. Confessions, from Rousseau, and Memoirs of Martinus Scriblerus, from Alexander Pope, you nerd.”

“That was easy. And don’t call me a nerd, because the last two books you’ve read are Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and How to kill a Mockingbird. Neeerd.”

“Shut up, next question.”

Tim sticks out his tongue at him, and Jason cannot help thinking that he looks like a kid with the blue shorts and sleeveless, white shirt he’s wearing. He looks like someone who has just come back from the gym.

“Who’s someone I like but don’t want anyone to know I like them?”

“You love Kim Kardashian.”

Tim groans loudly, and Jason smirks. “That’s not something you’re supposed to know,” he moans, dragging a hand down his face.

Jason shrugs. “Told ya, I know everything.”

“Anyway, you like Bruce.” Jason shakes his head, but it’s kinda true, even though he won’t admit it out loud, not now, not ever. “We’re 3-3. Next question is: what’s the weirdest thing I’ve done while I was drunk?”

“You ate dog food because Conner said you wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh my god,” he moans, and Jason has to hug his stomach because of how hard he’s laughing. “Don’t remind me of that. Ugh. I was sick for an entire week.”

“I still have the video,” Jason says proudly. “Now, what’s the weirdest thing I’ve done?”

“You put on your Red Hood helmet, got to the GCPD rooftop and shouted ‘Fuck Batman’ and then shot the bat-signal.”

“Oh boy, I didn’t remember that. But nope. That’s not the weirdest thing.”

Tim’s jaw hangs open. “What.”

“I put on the Batman cowl—I was wearing my pajamas—went to the GCPD and shouted that Batman was gay. Then I walked to Gordon and told him, ‘I’d be careful if I were you’ and laughed really hard. Someone ordered to arrest me, so I started shooting at the ceiling until I got out and then I don’t even remember. I think I passed out somewhere and Dick picked me up because I woke up in his apartment.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.”

“Jason.”

“I gave up drinking for a while after that.”

“Oh my god,” Tim repeats, looking at him in awe.

Jason smiles and points at the phone. “Go on, go on. I’m winning.”

“You’re so weird,” Tim mutters, but then he asks, “If I started a cult, what kind of cult would I start—what the hell, what kind of question’s this?”

“What kind of magazines does Stephanie read?” Jason thinks of something Tim loves, and less than two seconds after that he answers, “A coffee cult. You’d make drinking coffee instead of water a rule.”

Tim giggles, and says, “Fair point. And you, you’d start a cult against clowns. An anti-clowns cult.”

“Yeah, probably. 4-5, and I’m still winning. How many are left?”

“A lot. Okay—oh my god, all right. Um. What’s my favorite superhero?”

“Sheesh. That’s a hard one. I’ll say… Batman.”

“That was an easy one.” Tim lets the phone away and lies down, his head on Jason’s lap. He yawns and then says, “Yours is Wonder Woman.”

“She’s my girl crush.”

“You don’t even like girls,” Tim says, looking up at him, and Jason pinches his cheek.

“Next one.”

“Who’s the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life?”

And after a beat, they both answer at the same time: “Dick.”

They laugh, and Jason says, “He’s just a sweetheart.”

“He’s good,” Tim agrees, closing his eyes. “But this has nothing to do with us. I mean, what kind of questionnaire is this?”

“A shitty one,” Jason answers, running his fingers through Tim’s hair. “I’m still winning. Heh.”

“Shut up.” Tim opens his eyes, looks at the screen and smirks. “This one’s easy. When’s my birthday?”

“Fuck, Tim,” Jason says, and Tim starts laughing because he knows damn well that Jason cannot remember dates. The only dates he has never forgotten are his birthday and the day he died, and apart from that he can’t remember anything—not birthdays or anniversaries or anything that has to do with dates, he’s so bad at it. “You know—”

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t remember my birthday. I should be sad, but I’m happy because now we’re even.”

“Oh, yeah? Then when’s my birthday?”

Tim rolls his eyes, waits a second and says, “August 16th.”

“Damn it.”

Tim whoops. “Yes! 7-7.”

“Okay, listen, I’m tired,” Jason mutters, and Tim looks at him with a smug look; Jason punches him in the shoulder, and Tim laughs. “One more question. The question to end all questions. The one who answers it correctly wins.”

“What if we both answer it correctly?”

“Then we are really soulmates. Now, read the question.”

“The question to end all questions,” Tim repeats, grinning. “What’s the most awkward situation I’ve ever been on? No, no, wait. Let me answer this one first.”

“Go on then, you little shit.”

“You were at the manor because you’d been intoxicated with the Scarecrow’s gas, and you were in the kitchen, sat on the island, eating chocolate cookies Alfred made. Bruce walked in and saw you and you were so, so drugged and you told him, ‘You’re the most fucked up dad ever,’ and then you went to him, put a cookie into his mouth, hugged him and said, ‘But you’re the only one I’ve ever had, so I don’t hate you too much.’ That’s your awkward moment.”

Jason cringes, because remembering that moment is painful. Bruce told Dick what happened, and then Dick told Jason, and Jason wanted to die again just because he knew Dick wasn’t going to let him forget that ever. Every time they meet, Dick somehow finds a way to bring that up. Every. Time. It’s awful.

“Well. My turn. The most awkward situation you’ve ever been on was when you were at this meeting with Bruce and you burped really loudly and everyone just shut up and looked at you and Bruce didn’t talk to you for a week.”

Tim winces, then smiles, and he painfully shakes his head. And when he opens his eyes is when Jason knows he’s fucked up. “That was awkward, but it’s not the most awkward situation I’ve been in.”

“Come on!”

“Sorry, Jay. You lose. I win. Boom, baby. I’m the best boyfriend ever.”

“Yeah, whatever, cowboy. But what’s the awkward situation?”

Tim flushes, and Jason now knows that he must know what the awkward situation is. Tim sits and mumbles, “But it’s very awkward.”

“Spit it out, Timmy.”

Tim sighs. “Okay. So. I’d been with Bruce for almost six months, and we were working in this really difficult case, and I discovered something relevant, so I went looking for Bruce. I heard something in his room, and my twelve-year-old-self thought, ‘He’s working out for sure!’ and I, um. I opened the door without knocking, and he—”

“Oh my god.”

“Selina was there, and they—”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I couldn’t even move, I just stared at them from the door, and they didn’t even notice I was there—”

“Tim,” Jason says, and he’s too shocked to even laugh.

“I heard Selina purr and I was so—it was so weird and I didn’t even know what to do. And then Alfred passed by and saw me and screamed, and then Selina and Bruce realized that I was there and screamed too, and it was super awkward—”

“Are you traumatized?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” Tim says, and that’s when Jason laughs. It’s an honest to god laugh, and Tim smiles and keeps telling, “They made me sit with them in the living room and asked me if I was okay and if I needed to talk and I was like. No. Leave me alone. But they didn’t leave me alone and I could tell Bruce was dying of embarrassment, and Selina was trying her best not to jump from the window. I swear to god, I will never forget that moment.”

Jason barks another laugh, and Tim tries to put his hands in Jason’s mouth to make him shut up, but it’s pointless because there’s nothing that can make Jason stop laughing after this. He can’t believe that Tim has never told him that, but he also understands him, and oh god, he’s never going to forget this.

“I won, though,” Tim says, and even though Jason is a bit disappointed that he didn’t win, he’s fine because he discovered something new about Tim.

He looks at the clock, and it’s almost five in the morning. He yawns, and Tim yawns too, and this time when Jason leans on to kiss him, the kiss lasts longer and it’s deeper and Jason thinks that he really likes being alive. He smiles, and he feels Tim smile too, and when Tim cups his face with his hands, Jason remembers the flowers and salty cookies and he feels like the luckiest person alive.

“Happy Valentine’s day,” he whispers, and then he pulls Tim closer.

And closer and closer and closer.

#jason todd #tim drake #jaytim #dick selina bruce alfred and stephanie are mentioned #theres fluff #and theres a lot of comedy #jasons gay in this one #theres a lot of dialogue #and its a bit ooc #but whatever #noah writes #dc

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grammaticalmustaches · 4 years ago

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KETTLE KATCHERZ FEEL FREE TO READ

under a read more due to length oops

suddenly overcome with love for my players. its a constant emotion but im feeling it so big right now.

theyre just so invested in the world! and their characters! and theyre so kind!?! truly i think dnd brings out the best in people.

i gave them some kenku that are having trouble integrating with a community because of the language barrier and now my players are out of game diving into esl education to make a communication book to help them get basic ideas across.

it is an ongoing joke that they adopt every npc i give them and its not much of a joke bc no lie i think there are just as many npcs who travel with the party as there are actual pcs. actually i just counted there are exactly as many party npcs as there are pcs. three of those npcs are kind of just one npc who at one point shared a consciousness but are now separate(-ish) beings and one of those npcs is just a small horde of dust bunnies that occasionally either makes or cleans up messes so you could argue the numbers dont actually line up but it is still an absurd number of npcs to have adopted. i have to plan reasons npcs cant or dont want to go on adventures as one of the first character points i make otherwise their party would be triple its size. i am constantly forgetting how many npcs they have with them at all times but they Dont forget and make points to include them in conversations and decision making.

i just think dnd brings out the best in people!!!

also i lowkey hate making maps but maps are important for understanding the world so iv been doing research and shit and trying to get better at it but! my players literally help with that? not just in making it fun and rewarding but like literally help with the task of it?

as in we just came from a city that one of my players spent a few years at so he drew a map of the city and wrote me out a Huge world building document about the city and its culture and like, climate and neighborhoods and what was important to his character while living there and everything! and another player gave me a six page document that included maps about the territory their character grew up in like, almost at the very beginning of our campaign! i havn’t even had a chance to use any of that information yet because they come from a very far away place! they dont care they Had Fun making me this big old document! and now we’re visiting a player’s childhood home and They’ve offered to make the map for the area! that would be three whole maps all player made!!!

theyre just so invested and make things so easy on me!!! it is so easy to dm a group that is constantly focused on Working With the world and moving their characters forward!

and its a super homebrewed campaign partially bc i honestly think thats not only more fun but how dnd is Meant to be played, with some creativity and making shit up on the spot, but also my players are so good!!! about shit being homebrew!!! when something comes up we dont know the rules for or which rules dont exist for we work together to decide what happens!!! if someone knows a rule i dont they let me know and i can ask them what they think happens given the rules that do apply and we make decisions together on how it works with a focus on what makes the most compelling story!

its just so truly OUR game!!! my beloved comrades!!!

Also like, its been off and on and we’ve taken breaks but we’ve been playing since March 2019? and people have added and left and like i said we’ve had to take breaks but in the end this is not a campaign i can imagine not being in anymore. i cannot imagine this campaign ending just because, like, there’s just so many of them who are so invested!!! and Im so invested! to be honest this campaign is one of the most fun and rewarding things in my life and one of my favorite things about it is how confident i am that it is going to be a constant in my life for a long time. like im really able to just Revel in this campaign and sink hours of work into weird bullshit and plan out arcs and enemies and friends and plot hooks and aesthetic bullshit i dont expect our party to meet for Quite a while because i just! i have no fear that this is going to end!

One of my players got a symbol from our campaign tattooed onto their flesh body? art that i made for dungeons and dragons? it will be on their human body for the rest of their life? and another got a tattoo that (partially) represents what this campaign means to them? another has told me they would love to get a campaign related tattoo with me someday? there is a tattoo in game that binds (most of) the pcs to each other and there has been talk about us getting that tattoo together?

i cannot think about this for too long or i go insane. i made some shapes on canva and spent the whole time wishing i had ms paint because ms paint is my level of art and these are designs that are being added to bodies because we have collectively installed so much emotion and meaning into them.

i am losin gmy mind.

and like, iv already sunk lowkey a kind of unreasonable amount of time (esp for someone who just went back to school and has homework!) into making my kenku soundboard and mixtape but its been such a passion project already and the whole time iv been working on it iv had Zero fear of the reception because i Know and Trust that my players will think my first attempt at using garageband is sick as hell even if its kind of not because they are just crazy supportive and love our world like i cant even really call it my world its truly Our world and! we all love and contribute to it!!!???!!!

I just love my party so much!!!

i just!!! truly think!!! dnd brings out the best in people!!!

at the end of every session we do a rose/bud/thorn (thing we liked/thing we’re looking forward to/thing that could be improved or issue wed like to bring up) to check in with how the session went!!! we discuss things we didnt like and how wed change them!!!

they challenge me Constantly not just in pushing my capabilities as a growing dm but they also speak up and challenge my decisions when they disagree!

i jsut cannot get over how truly we are Working Together in all aspects to make this campaign what it is.

i have a tendency to move dnd at a crawling pace where every hour of every day is meticulously role played. and they told me they didnt like that and now we work together to make things move faster! and it doesnt always work and we still dont move that fast but weve brainstormed several options and tried a few new things to make it easier for me to go faster!

PROBLEM SOLVING INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF GAME

dnd! brings out! the best in people!

and also also also theres like, Multiple players who really hate using technology and sometimes esp video chatting. and most sessions currently people’s thorns have been tech issues/being on video. but wer still all (mostly) show up every session! we still submit to the mortifying ordeal of being seen/heard on discord!

some of my players have an accented character voice and i love them So So So Much for this and it makes me feel confident and comfortable enough to try my best at (when i remember to) doing character voices for npcs but we are not critical role and we are certainly not voice actors so none of our voices are very good or consistent! and my players with accents get self conscious about this pretty often but like!!! they are TRYING!!! they are GIVING IT THEIR ALL!!!

what more could anyone possibly ask of them?

multiple players have come to me concerned and looking for advice/help because they dont think theyre very good at role play/staying in character. we’ve got people who so dedicated theyre stepping Way outside their comfort zone and then turning around and apologizing for how far a walk it was??? they are giving it Their All and their biggest concern is how to give MORE?

i had a moment last session where i realized that our current arc is literally exactly the kind of arc i Dreamed of dming when i was first starting out. like, not to toot my own horn but its legitimately open world and they have a mystery that they need to get to know a small community and find out what everyone knows and put all the pieces together to figure out what happened. i used to scroll through dm forums Endlessly looking for Any advice on how to plan a good mystery and i didnt think id ever be at the point where i could actually pull a mystery Or an open world arc off. but like, here i am. its going pretty great so far.

also this current arc is one of the First i ever thought up for this campaign. obviously it’s changed and evolved a lot since original concept but like. just a Bit emotional over, ya know. finally getting here and having it be even better than i imagined. how far we’ve all come, in and out of game. the fact that my players had so much fun talking to my prize npc kenku whom i have been developing for literal years now and adore beyond reason that they are learning about esl studies to help them integrate into the coven they are trying to join.

DND! BRINGS OUT! THE BEST IN PEOPLE!

COLLABORATIVE STORYTELLING. WORKING TOGETHER TO CRAFT MEANING. LOVING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHERS CREATIVE DECISIONS. MAKING DICK JOKES.

THIS IS WHAT DND IS ALL ABOUT BABY.

#dnd #for anyone wondering what this super long post is: tl;dr i love my players and our campaign #kettle katcherz #thought i finished writing this very long post #then Went Off in the tags #to the point i got cut off #so i went back and added my tags to the actual post.#sorry not sorry that i just love my players beyond tag limit

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pastelacrylics · 7 years ago

Text

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person? i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked) because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too. and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

#in the life of me #shut up Alex no one cares #txt

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wang-yeon · 7 years ago

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Kingdom Hearts| Jin

Your sister is getting an arranged marriage to bring two kingdoms together as one. This has been tradition since the beginning of time and stretched out into modern day. What happens when you fall for your sisters future husband's brother and stray away from the tradition?

warning: Cussing, smut, alcoholic themes, Prince Jin!, Virgin Jin!

Genre: Smut and fluff

Word count: 9.6K

A/N: Yes i know the title of this is a video game. Also i wanted to get this up before i go on vacation, so sorry if it may seem a little rushed i wanted to get it out. Once i get back on vacation ill post my master list and being working on Hypnotic part 2

Marriage, a way of combining two souls conjoining as one. This had become a foremost event for the kingdom. They never identified it as i did, only seeing it as a way to combine our two kingdoms instead of our souls and hearts. I never agreed with the terms and beliefs but learned to keep my mouth shut along the way as they wouldn't acknowledge the true meaning. Sure it felt strange keeping everything bottled up but its what I learned to do best as it was tradition and saying my simple opinion i would be shunned. So hear i stand eyeing my sister trying on dress after dress doing keeping my mouth closed about the event.

"I feel like it does have enough diamonds. I want the people to be blinded by my costly dress."

They sure would be blinded by the high prices. For that amount of money we could just by another kingdom and have everything be settled instead of marriage. I rolled my eyes at the fortune my sister was indulging in. She always saw money as a small child to her. Something she carried around freely but wasn't afraid to spend stupid things on it. Endearing parent she was. Anyone else who held money as if they were a child she would automatically find herself drowning over their simple sentences that dripped with riches. Hints way she was marring one of the most said to be richest kings in our kingdom. As soon as his father died he took his place along with a small amount of his riches making him a certified person for my sister to capture.

I downed my last ounce of wine, finding it my only will to hold back what im saying. Sometimes this habit made me unleash the truth but i remain quiet though the event. It was like a little surprise something that i wouldn't aspect, an exciting game if you will. One time i could be quiet as ever keeping my opinion boxed in our i could explode as if i was a volcano letting out all the secrets i could muster. I sure as hell held a lot of them and i was just waiting for the perfect moment for them to lash out or stay hidden forever.

I reached my empty wine glass in seek of getting more alcoholic beverages. I had been to sober to deal with these whole ordeal. My sister had been managing to scream her vocal cords out to the point of a raspy voice making her bitch even more. My parents along with my aunt and multiple cousins had to sit in on everything and give her good input either if they liked it or not. I knew my parents treated her as if she was a recreation of the most precious thing in the world, which was far from it. I wasn't easy to corrupt like they did with her, I was never spoiled and thought that i was higher than other people. Growing up in a palace you get those kinds of ideas shoved inside your mind and it certainly was taking over my sister.

I aimed to get up to retrieve more wine as i stood up finally rather than being left along with my thoughts. I made my way to the table filled with beverages before a loud gasp brought me out from doing so. The gasp filled with that amount of dramatics was only the owner of my sister. I saddened me that its the only way i can tell the difference between her and someone else.

"We have people to do that for you."

I felt myself roll my eyes only to cause a bigger gasp and an even enormous outburst telling our mother that i was behaving outrageous. Clearly we had very different definitions of such things. This was a normal day for her meaning my parents and other relatives never minded it as i wanted to stab myself with a fork or any items in the near area. She drove me crazy and at times i didnt want to hold my tongue. I felt my mothers eyes at me looking at me as if i was crazy. She always took my sisters side no matter the debate as for my father he stayed out of it. At times i could tell he was on my side as he couldn't take my sisters vocal outcomes.

I bowed lightly apologizing with the fakest smile i could muster before turning back to the table. Mary who happened to be one of the servants greeted me with sorry eyes. I never liked the word servants nor did i like the idea of them catering our every move. I was grown enough to take care of my own businesses, yet growing up in a life like this was normal to some. I never got use to this idea so ma call it a lecture but i saw it torture for me and the other person who was helping me with my needs. By any means i tried to make them feel as people some as possible, not treating them any different.

"Do you have something stronger than wine? Perhaps Vodka?"

I leaned into Mary's ear giving her a small wink as she nodded with a light smile. We had a unique bond one that included a late drunk night looking at the stars on the roof top. It was nothing romantic involved it was just a stary night brought to you pay a mind bending friendship. The drunk conversations turned into deep thoughts that we would have never shared with anyone. She was one of the people that i ever connected with who didnt care about my riches and well cared family. We understood each other and we never judged. In the beginning friendship was dangerous on her part as she was in access my servant and we were aloud to be in such contact. However we still remained close and still remain to grow.

She arrives back with my glass of vodka bowing and going back over to her usual position. I sit back down slugging the alcoholic beverage hopping everything shall be over soon. I get unusual stares from family members around me asking what was in the cup only waving it off as water. My family was very conscious about alcoholic habits as my father held the same. We kept it very secret as we didn't want the kingdom of knowing of their kings traitorous habit. I never drank as much as him, he drank to the point of oblivion. I would always show concern while my sister would pretend and get money out of him. She would always call me a hypocrite for showing concern as i drank willing while he was falling in and out. This had been absurd as the only time i managed to drink was due to her big ass mouth that she never managed to close since the day she came out our mothers vagina. She was bothersome.

She did a final twirl in the dress making many awe almost getting one out of me. I had to admit it was a very lovely dress. One that was very stubble and held lace instead of being in bedded of diamonds. It was very soft yet outspoken. It was beautifully crafted from the most delicate hands. I stare in admiration at the dress as she stares at everyone's faces before letting out her usual vocally grown voice.

"I cant stand this material! How can you saw you like it when there are no encrusted diamonds in it. This dress is as worthless as the servants we own!"

My eyes bulge out as she says her words. I had been irritated that she hadnt liked the dress but as she went on i only began to grow infatuated. I understand its her day and she wants everything to be perfect but she had no right to bash people in her way. The alcohol l had been coursing through out my body and i could feel my opinions begin to bubble as i opened my mouth to let out a slight 'are you fucking serious'. My mouth had caught people off guard as everyone stared at me with wild eyes, mostly being my mother and sister.

"Y/N L/N have you no manners?"

"You know what mom i dont and im real tired of holding my opinions back."

My mother got up from her seat lifting her hands up. She directed me to leave which i so gladly was before i heard my sisters eary voice.

"No mother, i would like to hear you opinions since you held them in so long. Tell me what your dumb ass mind came up with?"

"Oh ill tell you bit-"

"Alright i think thats enough drama for this evening. Ill take her to check out the engagement rehearsal. I need a break from this shit myself."

My father said the last sentence rather softly only making me hear. We had began making our way to another room that held a wide space of arrangement's. close members of the other kingdom alread gathered her waiting for the future bride to arrive. My dad had chosen a table as i followed after him letting out a short groan in annoyance.

"Yeah i know this whole thing is stressful."

"I never understood this. The process of getting married just to bring our kingdoms together. Whats the point cant we just sign something?"

"I suppose we could, certainly would be easier. Its just this is how its always been. I wis someone came up with that idea before i married your mother."

I never sat down and actually had a conversation about this with just my father.He seemed open about the idea to opened as he vented about my mother. She was a very draining person but i always figured that he learned how to deal with it. Sh probably drained him to the point of him being empty as he relied on alcohol to fill him up. None of the less he held up a good persona in front of the people of our kingdom. He acted as if everything was peaceful as my mother placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. He seemed to beam whenever she did this simple action but now as my mother walks into the room he cant help but scruff and down a drink.

"Well thanks to you, your sister began crying and began saying how much you hated her."

"What a beautiful actress she is. Hey if this marriage doesn't work out maybe she can start that as a career?"

"Im serious shes devastated and concerned about you. we all are."

I knew she was hinting at my drinking as i still had the vodka in my hand. I hadnt had a problem at all but she seemed to hint at it alot especially my sister when she wanted to start a problem. The only time i ever did it was when i was offered it or if my sister was in the vicinity. In some eyes i guess i could see that i was an alcoholic but if they understood the circumstances they would relate. Like my father. He was labeled as an alcoholic but i only ever seen him with alcohol when my mother was near him which happened to be often.

My mother looked at my father with sorrow and irritation in her eyes as we watched him down his beverage.

"I think shes doing fine, certainly better than the demon filled with rage."

I could tell he was hinting at my sister as i laughed making my mother eye me with aggression. My father was a specific drinking instead of me he always voiced his opinion when he had a beverage inside of him. My mother shooed away so she could talk to my dad. I got up eagerly not wanting to indulge on the conversation. I quickly made my way around the room before i bumped into another body as there food poured over my dress.

I looked down seeing the painting of multiple food colors plastered on my dress. I would have been more mad if it was mine but it was my mothers making me not care a bit. The dress was rather ugly as i didnt bat an eye at the impact however, the assaulter certainly had his mouth a gaped and sported them with big brown eyes.

"Oh my god i am very sorry miss!"

I waved him off not carryin a single bit about the insistent.

"No seriously it fi-"

"Here let me help you."

I had no time to protest as he ushered me into the bathroom that happened to read women's. Luckily there wasnt anyone in the bathroom besides us. He carefully placed me on the sink to examine the damage. In my eyes it didnt seem like a big deal, all but a splash on the dress. He acted as if i was drenched in the various food items as it only was a dash here and there. He ran the material in his hands before he pulled out a special ingredient in his pocket.

"I cant believe it, the material is velvet. Dont worry i always carry my special gadget with me."

It seemed like a type of detergent you would uses on clothes but much more extravagant. It slightly scared me that he had these things ready as if he was prepared for everything. In essence this wasnt such a bad thing but it sure was strange that he had everything planned out. He dabbed the ingredient on the affected area all while getting in between my legs to get 'a better angle'. Either way he got the spots out without a groan, it certainly was impressive but rather excessive.

"Thank you, but you really didnt have to do that."

"Oh please a dress that beautiful deserves a slight touch up."

"Well i couldnt care about the dress. It cost more than my entire future."

"Well im sure the more expensive it is the more special it makes you feel."

I couldn't believe he even let those words fall from his lips. He had been so far off to the point of insanity. Not everything expensive brings you joy and happiness. I should have noticed his unique style and effortless ways of my sister. He was attracted to the money and didnt care about anyone else in his way.

"Excuse me sir, whats your name?"

"Prince Kim Seok Jin at your serive."

He bowed with a small smirk on his face as if he was proud of the title. Im sue anyone would be but he was plain cocky instead of humble.

"Well listen Seok Jin , not everyone cares about riches. In fact some people attempt to run away from them."

"Well i tend to embrace it. Why push away something that is given to you and brings you joy. I understand how you see it but maybe once and a while you could take it in, many people would like to be in your position but they arent. Take advantage of it to the best of your abilities."

"Please give a prime example."

"With all do respect i just helped you with your dress sure shows some amount of care. I dont like how you're judging me with such an open eye. I could say many things to you based off of your appearance but like a gentlemen i choose to keep my mouth closed."

He had been right about the first part making me she the bright side in the things. We all seeked for our own fortune wither it be expressive or not. His however intended just that, it was rather costly.

"I suppose you are right. we all have our own source of happiness."

"That miss is where you are right. Another source of happiness for me happens to be food, so if you will excuses me im going out to get another plate of food."

He bowed politely before exiting. I still hadn't been used to the whole polite manner. I had been far from the royalty he was. It was obvious Seok Jin was used to the whole persona as i tried to follow up to his expectations. I exited the bathroom attempting to look as classy as possible hoping the night would end soon.

I had reached my assigned table rotating my finger around the empty wine glass. I had cut back on the glasses as i felt myself growing tipsy. I was anxiously waiting for everything to be over while i felt the growing pain of boredom.

I feel another presence being brought to the table as i tilt my head to be met with seokjin. He certainly was attractive but he was far to classy for me. I couldn't keep up with that but is mere presence was enough for me. His smile was brighter the the constellations that shined bright making my heart fasten.

He fully sits down making brief eye contact with me before returning back to his meal. He smiles down at his food. I couldnt help but think what he was smiling at but it sure enough was making me smile at his state.

"Its a pleasure to see you again."

"As for you too."

I crossed my legs and tried to appear as classy as possible. I wanted to try and impress him as any guy who was in my life never should any attraction to me. They were attracted to the the money and the kingdom making me deny the services. My family obviously wasnt happy with this but i was still a young adult and marriage wasn't my main priority.

"It must be fate that we ran into each other this number of times."

"I believe so, i wouldn't mind getting to know you more."

"What would you like to know, princess?"

The nickname was slightly overdo but none of the less it made my heart beat faster. I was never used to being called this even though it was rightfully true. I never liked it but hearing him say it made me smile and feel certain that everything was going smoothly.

"Whats your passion?"

Seok Jin hummed nodding at the question. He seemed intrigued n=by my question as he put some thought into it. I normally asked the guys who my parents forced me to date this question and they always answer with the same materialistic answer. Anything that comes from money

"I suppose food and cooking brings me the most passion. Sure i like clothes but cooking is where i usually get lost in my own universe. It brings me a certain amount of join nothing else can. In fact i made some of the dishes here tonight."

I raised my eyes at his answer surprised by it before covering my surprise. I nodded along asking him if i would try on of his dishes. He cut a piece of the steak as it oozed with its Delicious juices. He picked up the piece with his fork as he guided it to my mouth. I was hesitant at first before he looked at me nodding that it was okay. I slightly leaned into the chair to reach the savery flavor. I hummed as my taste buds danced at the flavoring. He looked at me with curious eyes before asking me how it was.

"How does it taste? Is it okay?"

"Okay are you serious, this is absolutely splendid."

"I can tell as the juicy is dripping down your chin."

I quickly grab a napkin trying to wipe it away before his hand touches the side of my lip taking away the dripple. He quickly brought his thumb to his lip running his tongue along his thumb collecting the juices. I certainly saw it as a sexual innuendo me being myself but remained tamed. He surely was hot and i could feel myself getting slightly even more attracted to his aroma.

"Now i suppose its only right if you tell me your passion."

I opened my mouth to go on about what impassioned me before i was cut off. The lights dimmed signalling that my sister and her soon to be husband. They each talked about another person individually. It had been the grooms turn to speak as he went on about his relatives before he pointed out seokjin. I looked at them with wild eyes before connecting the dots that they were brothers. It had all made since now, they were possibly the richest among the kingdoms. Im sure he would be getting married soon as well to share the richest making my heart slightly ping.

Finally it was my sisters turn making me groan in my seat. Seok Jin looked at me with curious eyes before they reverted back to normal as my sister landed on me. She went on about how much a caring person i was and it was sweet to saw the least even though she was forcing it put of her. It was everything i didnt expect till she reached the end.

"- You are such a caring person that i dont want to see you slip in such a bad state. We all noticed how bad your aggression and drinking is and we all just want to be here for your healing."

"Do you really have to bring up this unrealistic situation to life?Cut the act i know you dont care about me or the choices i make, so please leave it alone."

She had began to get teary eyed as she approached my table. I rubbed my eyes growing tired of the problem at hand. There were many exits as i was planning my escape before i felt her place her head and hands on my lap as if she was asking for forgiveness.

"Sister i am only trying to help."

her voice spoke rather different from her eyes. They read something along the lines of 'you better go along with this to make me look like semi a goof person'. She really was going along with the act and people seemed to feed into it. I was far down with the conversation being displayed so publicly between us as i pushed her off of me and made my exit. Before i left i looked at Seok Jin who stilled held a curious gaze making me wonder. I had definitely blew it with him. He new the truth that i wasn't some person who keeps things classy and well presented. I was far from that and i knew he wouldnt be able to handle it.

I had been on the roof looking through my telescope. It had been the only thing i had actually out so much money into. It was something i valued and didnt throw away after a day of usage. It was a certain way of escaping certain problems like the ones i ever so created with my sister. looked through the telescope letting out a small breathe trying not to let the thouhts get to me. Suddenly a noise breaks me from my thoughts.

I take my eyes off of the telescope being faced with Seok Jin who held his hands in his pocket with a saddened look on his face. I turn my body back to the stars looking out hopping he would take the hint and leave. Of course he didn't as he sat right next to me eyeing my face. I turned my head to examine him as well since he obviously wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"Well, what has brought you here?"

"Of course i couldnt leave you after the chaos that just happened."

"You wouldn't leave me?"

"I would never leave you."

Seok Jin ruffled my hair smiling down at me. We hadnt even known each other for a select amount of time yet he was already making promises. I guess that was the perks of being apart of the kingdom. We made promises to bond two kingdoms together creating one but instead of kingdoms our hearts were conjoining in a matter of time.

"Well, what if it was true? That i did have some unwanted problems?"

I never really opened up about something that damaged me to anyone. I usually kept it bottled up making it another reason why my aggression became a problem. I only ever got in such a state when i was around my sister as she fueled it with her uptight ways. I was always around her persevering it as a problem that needed to be stopped. Maybe it was the possible still lurking alcohol that made me say something to him about this. Just thinking about alcohol made me sick and set me in realization.

"If im being honest i rather have a person who is filled with unwanted problems and flaws rather than being perfect. I would like to be the person you tell your worries to rather than we talk about how perfect everything is going. If we did that then we wouldn't know each other well. Now trust me im not perfect either I struggle with my own problems that i will so graciously share with you in spite you wont judge me. Were human even if we have the royal title on our shoulders. Were aloud to fuck up."

I chuckled at the use of his curse. He surely seemed perfect by the way he carried himself but his preposition of not being so made me feel slightly confident. I truly did want to stop the aggression i held and something told me that he could possibly help that rightfully so.

"So before any of this happened i believe you were supposed to answer a question. Whats your passion?"

I looked at the stars before directing my attention to the telescope before guiding him to the gadget. He ran his hands around it cursorily making sure to get some what of an understanding of it. I giggled slightly at his curiosity making him playfully push me as we laughed. It was nice to not care about what was going on in the moment.

"Let me show you. Saturn's beautiful from this view point."

I looked through the telescope ushering him to look through it. He seemed hesitant at first before he looked through the telescope with his mouth agape. He held onto the telescope with all his might as his gaze lied on the beautiful planet.

He stepped away from the telescope still keeping his amazed face. shook his shoulders trying to knock him out of his trance. It was true the view was truly amazing and i was honored that he thought of it the same way i did. I was amazed by the different planets and places to explore and im sure he was too.

"So tell me more about this passion. How did it start?"

We were seated on the roof as our legs dangled on the ends of it. It was slightly dangerous but we had each other to rely on. I tapped my hand on the ground trying to accumulate an answer. I had many different reasons but couldn't pinpoint just one.

"Well, i suppose its just that when you live in a kingdom all you ever group up around is just that kingdom. I would like to know what lies beyond he kingdom and far more."

My voice began wavering as i questioned down to the end of my sentence. I never really talked about it to anyone making me back down slightly but still open up as it was something that i admired. It was a sure that he admired it to but it seemed as if he admired something else as well. He had been managing to stare at me for the reminder of time as i went on about myself. I met his gaze as he quickly looked away now gazing at the village that held the market and small children running around.

"I understand, most days i want to leave the castle and roam the village. Just dress up and pretend im not me."

"Surprisingly enough ive never been to the village."

Seok Jin displayed his infamous agape mouth surprised by my comment. Surely enough the talk about escaping I would have at least gone somewhere out of the castle. Seok Jin so sagaciously decided that it was going to change as he guided us up from our sitting position and began leading us off the roof before i stopped him.

" Seok Jin i dont know about this?"

"What can you not be sure of, this is practically your dream."

"I dont know you all to well."

It had been an excuse and Seok Jin had been aware of that. None of the less he went along with it instead of arguing with it. He must have liked me whether it be friend or not he had some sort of soft spot for me as i did for him.

"Hello my name is Kim Seok Jin but i prefer people who know me well enough to call me Jin. I loving cooking with a burning passion, my favorite color is pink, Ive never gotten a gift for valentines day and i try to make my mother proud in ever sense that i can make. This is the real Jin or seokjin instead of the one played in front of the citizens of my kingdom."

It certain was alot to take in but i took it in a listened to him. I knew him rather well already but the additional information made things more comfortable. I didnt need to reassurance to go to the village with him i was just shared of making my dreams turn into reality. I felt slightly safe when i was with him making me agree to the terms.

"Okay ill go with you Jin."

I grabbed onto his hand as he smiled down at me of the usage of the nickname. We made our way to the village and managed to semi disguise ourselves. We strolled along the village hand in hand. Jin had known some of the locals as he chatted with them and introduced me to them.We had run along a bakery that held the softest of bread as Jin proceeded to by it and kept walking as we ate the bread. We came along small children who were passing a ball around as Jin joined them but played horribly as i stood there and laughed. To make Jin feel better about himself we went and stopped by a small pond and feed the ducks the rest of out bread.

"What did you think of the village."

"I thought it was absolutely lovely and it helped having such a nice guide such as yourself."

Jin pulled me into a tight embrace as we were seated on the ground backs laying against a tree. He rested his chin on my shoulder as my gaze was set on the pond while his was set on me. I turned my head to met his gaze and this time he didn't look away but accepted the gaze.

"It certainly was much lovelier that you were on the journey this time around."

"How so."

"Because you are equally if not more as lovely from the whole experience combined."

I felt my eyes soften as i smiled lightly. I had never felt this feeling before. Usually when i was in the presence of a boy i was being thrown into marrying them and never ended up doing so as i never felt anything. However with Jin everything felt different but very wanted. I wanted to feel something that i hadnt experienced with him or anyone before.

Jin focused his gaze on my lips as i did with mine till them collide together. We kissed as the sun raise wandered around our skin and the pond water glistened with the sun. It was a perfect setting along with the perfect moment recurring. I had felt an overwhelming amount of happiness as i felt out kiss molding together not letting the worlds problems affect us. We were happy in each others arms and we weren't hurting anyone by doing so. I felt something with him that i hadnt felt with anyone and i aimed for no one to take that away.

I had been pacing around my room happily as i told Mary the details of the event. There was no hiding as i had a smile on my face for a whole week until she finally asked me why i had been so happy. Even my mother and sister were surprised by the mood change but came to the conclusion that i had gotten my act together for the wedding. They were far wrong.

Mary had been carefully placing my night wear on my bed as i pranced around my room in my underwear going on about how amazing Jin was. She seemed happy for me as she giggled and listened intensely to my admiration. Mary always loved tales about love and even found her own when she was slightly younger. She was happy when she found out about mine and supported me though out thick and thin.

"Im proud of you Y/N you certain deserve so."

I smiled at her graciously as u couldn't find the words anymore as i talked about him so much. I had already gained a soft spot for him.

"I wish he would have grabbed my ass or something."

"Take what you get and dont complain. Im sure if your sister found out about this she would lose her damn mind."

She did have a point. I never thought about my sister in this situation. She was soon to be marrying Jins brother making the whole order deal ever so worst. I hated how it had to be this way but i was happy and i had to be selfish in this situation. I had actually grown a sort of love for Jin as she hasnt spoken a single word to her future husband. I deserved the love and care anyone else did but i didnt have the rings she did. However i didnt want that, i wanted the love.

"No matter what im rooting for you two."

I smiled at marry knowing she had a soft spot for me and would stick up for me opinion and thoughts. A knock from the window brought us out of our thoughts as our gaze shifted to it.Marry smirked at me signaling that it was Jin as she began getting on her way. I hadnt wanted to give my hopes up and it not been him. It had already been a week since ive seen him making my hopeful state drop all until i opened the window. Their lied Jin struggling to hold onto the window. I laughed lightly dragging him in by the hand as he helped himself into my room.

He had a backpack on his back as he looked around my room. It had felt so surreal seeing him in a week prior. I had missed him so much and his kiss that i hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. Now that he lied here all real it was overwhelming.

"I uh- made you these cookies as an apologize for not seeing your presence in such a long time. They may be kind of squished since i fell the first time i tried to climb up the window."

I cooed at him asking if he was okay as he smiled and pulled the home made cookies from his backpack. I held the baggie of cookies seeing the occasional squished cookie before sinking my teeth into one of them. Jin was an incredible cook and i hadnt known if he was aware of it but he certainly was amazing if he knew it or not.

"Um not that i mind but um i cant help but notice that you are missing some clothing items."

I looked down and noticed that in fact i wasnt wearing anything besides my bra and panties. I looked up at Jin who seemingly was looking at my breast poking out of my bra. I chuckled at him as he held his gaze before i said his names multiple times breaking him from his trance.

"Jin have you ever had sex before?"

It had been a bold statement but i had been curious and by the look on his face he hadnt. I had been shocked as he was fairly handsome and he could have any female he wanted. Usually what his kingdom did was introduce him to a women and if he thought she was the right women fit for the kingdom they would combine kingdoms but Jin never was able to do so as his brother took over. Sure enough he should have at least had a female contact besides mine but he didnt. He was pure and innocent.

"Its just that i had never meet a girl that i was willing to give such thing up to. Well until i met you. I see sex as something as combining two souls as one and should only be secret and i uh- I only want to do that with you."

He had been nervous i could tell but his statement was surely cute and made up for it. I still found it adorable as he was nervous and his eyes still wandered my semi bare skin. I could tell he wanted to touch me but didnt want to over step his boundary but decided to take my own action.

I stepped closer to him as our chest touched one another. He inhaled a deep breathe as my hand slithered around the nape of his neck. I brought our lips together humming as our lips collide toghter. I could tell he was still slightly stiff, i guided his hands to my ass to make him feel slightly less tense. He perked up at the feeling soon adding his tongue into my mouth making me second guess him as someone who didnt know what he was doing.

"I didnt know the princess was naughty."

"Only for you Jin."

Jin slightly growled at my words picking me up from my ass and placing me on the bed as he got in between my legs. He took off his shirt giving me a full view of his bare chest before he kissed me again.

"Were going to have to make this quick as my brother and your sister are downstairs attempting dinner."

I hummed not minding it much as i was lost in his lips. He quickly took off his pants and underwear as i took off mine. When we finished doing so we looked at each other in amazement. Jin was surely big and there was no denying it. We were soaking in the feeling of each other naked state before we took action.

Jins whole persona died down as he didnt know what to do as i took place. I laid him down as i positioned myself on top of him. Excitement held in his eyes as he was going to riddle his virginity. I was so adorable seeing him excited for the moment to take place. I slowly positioned myself on his cock as we both let out a moan his being louder than mine.

I began to slowly rock my hips throwing my head back in pure bliss. I had managed to let out a few small moans enjoying the serenity. As for Jin he wasnt afraid to hold back his moans. He grabbed onto my waist tightly to the point of his knuckles turning white. He took notice of my none vocal action as he tried to silence his while he bite his lip.

I hadnt liked his none vocal so i decided to encourage it. I began to bounce up and down making him let out a very vocal moan making me smirk and moan along.

"Ah fuck,princess you have no idea how fucking tight your pussy feels."

For a prince he certainly had a dirty mouth but it was defiantly a turn on especially this being his first time. I guided his hands to my boobs as they began to bounce due to the potion. He squeezed onto them while i moaned at the overwhelming feeling commencing over me. Jin must have been approaching as well as he came undo as i followed a few seconds later.

I positioned myself off of him only for him to bring me in for a warm embrace and kissing me tenderly. He groggily said how he had to go down stiars and explain why he was so late making me smile lazily.

I directed him back the the window giving him a light kiss and how i wished we could have had more time. It was his first time after all it should have been special, however he didnt care.

"As long as it was with you, ill be fine."

I smiled gratefully kissing him once more as he left.

I quickly put my clothes on about to go out the door to go downstairs before i was met with my sisters face.

"I can not stand that fucking jack ass. Who the hell does he think he is?"

She marched into my room making me quiver slightly afraid of what she might pick up on. Luckily narcissistic possess her and she doesnt take notice of most things that doesnt involve her. She sat on my bed pulling at her hair as she went on and on about her future husband and how tortuous he was. It was terrible for her but however for me it had been a delight. Maybe there was a future for me and Jin so whatever i had to do i was going to push to it.

"Well then perhaps you should just end the marriage and just sign a contract to join the two kingdoms."

"I suppose you're right."

She stood up before hugging me surprisingly. Most likely due to mother telling her to show more affection to me wither than fighting. She slowly backed away slightly disgusted.

"You small of sweat and warm body. Thats fucking disgusting, i cant believe i even hugged you."

The moment was surely ruined but i was glad that she didnt pick up on anything. I was aiming to make her stop the marriage being held between the two. It was definitely selfish but sometimes in life thats what it calls for. I believed that Jin would enhance my life and i wanted him to be apart of my life. My sister never thought about this with her future husband so why should she get what i wanted, a commitment. For once i deserved something and i wasnt going to argue over it as it was rightfully mine.

We had been seated at the dinner table eating as Jin was seated right next to me. We had managed the occasional conversation as his hand stayed put on my thigh. I had enjoyed the simple feeling as his touch filled a warm fire in me. My sister was sitting directly in front of us with her future husband as my parents sat at the end of the table.

"Kim Seok Jin your brother told me that you prepared some of this meal?"

Jin cleared his throat and nodded his head. He went on about how much he loved cooking as i looked at him lovingly. I admired how he talked about cooking as if it was his love and in a way it was. It was his passion and it was attractive to see that he loved it so. His hand on my thigh tightened as he looked my way as he finished his sentence sending me a smile.

"Jin cooks beautifully."

"I wouldn't say that much. I cook average, enough to fill a empty stomach."

I weaved off Jins comment not taking that as an answer. He knew he was great at it and if he wasnt a prince that would be his future. He as brilliant when it came to the ingredients and used them precisely. He put extra work into it and thats what people did when they were drive on passion as Jin was.

"Jin?"

"Yes, thats what i often preferred to be called."

Jin waved off my sisters comment choosing not to dive into it. I honestly didnt either she already had a big enough head and the more she feed into things the bigger it got. She wasnt in the situation at hand yet she sneaked her way into it. In knew she began making false accusations and was going to find any mean to stop whatever was going on. It slightly scared me she had this power but i aimed to attempt to do my best to fight back.

"Husband and Jin could you go to the kitchen to grab desert."

My sister smiled polity at Jin and her husband attempting to seem sweet. However i could see right past her smile but felt reassured as Jin squished my thigh giving me a quick glance and leaving for the kitchen. My gaze shifted back to my sister who held a fiery gaze. She seemed pissed and her eyes read as if she caught me in the act of doing something i wasnt.

I ignored her glare as i went back to finishing my food as did our parents however her glare stayed. She seemed to get angrier as the attention wasnt on her. This simple thing could construct hell but i didnt pay her attention as she didnt deserve it. She wanted to cause a scene for no apparent reason.

"I know you are fucking my husbands brother. How dare you do such a thing."

That was sure enough to bring everyones eyes on her, just as she intended. I had my eyes drifted into her cold glare as if she was disowning me due to my behavior. I admit what i did was wrong but nothing to cause a scene over our parents who appear like a dear in headlights. Everything was sudden and uncalled for.

"Its like you like him you were just talking to me a few minutes ago how much a piece of shit he is."

"Yeah well we talked it out. So that doesnt give you permission to fuck his brother."

"What kind of argument can be solved in tat amount of time. You literally talked about him being a piece of shit and contemplating the marriage. You just dont want to see me happy with anyone and you will stop it. All you want to be is the center of attention and if takes you to get married to have this happen then youll do it. Heartless witch."

"Well this heartless witch is getting everything she deserves while you sulk around. Love is over rated and doesnt exist in a world like this."

I opened my mouth to say something else before my mother cut me off. She waved her hands in he air signalling to end the conversation. She went on about how childish we were being and disciplined both of us. All but of course to turn back to me and have her discuss my life choices and how it would affect people around me.

"Y/N did you really preform such act on him?"

"Mother im sorry but i cant ans-"

"Answer the question."

"Mother, he makes me happy. Ive quiet drinking becuas eo fhim, he made me realize the true meaning of life. He made me find my passion and fall for it all over again all while falling for him."

It was true he did make me happy and change certain aspects around me. I began to quit drinking all together just by his mere presence in my life. He made me find the purpose in life and aimed for the best of his abilities. He made me happy and made life worth living. I truly had fallen for him but my mother didnt seem to care all that much as her face still held a hard exterior.

"You did not answer the question."

"Yes, I did."

I had known there was no way of getting out of this but i tried to make her see the light. She proceeded to scream at me telling me how much of a terrible sister and person i was to preform such acts. I felt slightly guilty but couldn't feel it much as i was completely in love with Jin. It felt odd attempting it in the mist of wht was happening but i couldnt handle what was being thrown at me.

"I think its safe if you stayed away from Seok Jin during the wedding and other times you interact."

I had completely been shocked by my mothers words. I had just discovered my true love for Jin and now i was supposed to kill the feeling all together. I hated how she got her way but however the situation was never meant to happen making everything worst. I never intended sleeping with my sisters husbands bother but it played out that way.

"But I cant please, father please do something."

I looked at my father with pleading eyes only for him to grab the wine and chugged it in one sitting. He always did that with mom to get out of conversation and the fact that he was doing that to me hit a new low. I had realized how the kingdom was being ruined by a family that had not had there own shit together to run a whole village. We couldn't keep our lives together how could we keep other people together. Maybe it was me who was jst falling apart, the castle provided a welcoming feel but always winded up being a nightmare. Most times i wish i could disappear and be eliminated from the situation.

I had managed to avoid Jin everywhere i went. He had showed up at my window later that night only for me to shoe him away and deny his presence. He didnt stop there as he found me later that week in the village attempting to spark a conversation resulting in me finding an excuse to leave before things enhanced. Now it lead to the wedding, i figured he had found a clue and got the hint to stray away from me but here i was standing in the girls bathroom yet again because of him.

"Im not leaving until you explain why you dont want to be associated with me."

"I told you, i just dont have that attraction for you anymore."

I had used this excuses every time Jin had asked me about the situation i told him that. He bliveed it at first till he started second guessing himself an coming to his senses to ask me the real reason. I never caved into his question no matter how much i wanted to speak the truth but decided to keep it quiet. He knew i didnt mean it and didnt want to accept that i would do something like that.

"Thats not going to work on me anymore, I need you to be honest with me."

I hung my head low to ashamed that i was following my parents rules against love. They had been so out of love for a long amount of time that they didnt see the pain they were causing me.

"I remember when i first met me you told me you adored the universe. Do you belive in the big band theroy."

I nodded not sure where this was heading in a certain direction.

"Well the theory states that the stars and or planets were concentrated into a tiny point as everything began to grow rapidly. It kind of like us in a way we started from something small to something bigger than expected and i would give anything to be apart of your universe. Please Y/N I love you."

I hadnt known what to say he had confessed his love for me and there was no doubt i loved him too. It couldnt be this way however as it didnt work out for us. It was possibly for the best but as i feel his lips on mine i cant help but side track. The kiss was savory and something i had missed and couldnt get enough of which scared me. I was becoming addicted to him, he was my alcohol and all the bad things combined but in a good form. I loved him but i had to let him go. I broke the kiss uttering a final word before i left.

"Im sorry Seok Jin ."

I had been in the front of the isle attempting to keep myself together. I had been a mess since the altercation with my father by my side. We were watching my sister and her husband go through with here vows. The sudden voices turned to quiet whispers as i bean thinking what i had done with my relationship with jin. I had ruined everything just because people didnt agree. My sister was only getting married for the kingdom to become conjoined. She got everything she ever dreamed of and i deserve something that i craved for. By now i had been tearing up enough for my father to notice he turned in his seat to eye me up and down.

"Sweetheart are you crying because of your sisters wedding?"

"Uh, yeah its um beautiful."

I felt my words stumble and my heart begin to tighten due to all the lying i had to do. I couldnt take it anymore making more tears come from my yes. My father was not stupid he knew the real reason i was crying however he didnt want to act on it. He always saw a problem before it started but never said anything about it so he couldn't get involved. His face seemed to show a sort of sadness as he looked at my state, it was strange as i never seen him act this way.

"You really have feelings for the kid dont you?"

I didnt take me to answer him for him to already know the answer. He let out a quiet huff before fumbling under his breath. He gradually stood up before clearing his throat. Everyone's attention drew to him including mines.

"I pronounces the wedding to be canceled under certain circumstances i cant sight to the public."

I was shocked by his jester as were other people one being my sisters. Her mouth held smacked open as her eyes held an angry stare. My father had not been one to get involved with our family problems let alone any problems. He was sticking up for me and more so himself. He hasn't made any contribution to our family besides sitting down and listening to the problems as he held the other citizens weight on his shoulder. Now he was stepping up to put his family first.

"Daddy, what are you doing?"

"I am shutting everything down. I can not go through with this."

"You cant do that!"

"Oh but he can. It sates her in the book that he can just sign an agreement to conjoin the two kingdoms instead of going through put the marriage."

The priest spoke as he cited evidence at the book nodding his head at my father. My father clapped his hands letting out a breath before looking at me with a light smile. It made me happy that my own father was willing to ruin his other daughters marriage to make me happy. The scene was slightly overwhelming but he came over it only for my sister to bite back.

"What about the money and all the investing we did? We still have alot of money left over what are we going to do with that?"

I stood up besides my father raising my hand deciding to put in my input.

"I have an idea."

"Jin its fine just fine im not kidnapping you."

I had been guiding Jin to this secret place i had been working on with my father and other family members. Jin and I had managed to work things out as the marriage stumbled down and we began to Flemish. Overall we were fine and happy.

We had reached the destination i had wanted to take him as i took off his blind fold and showed him the scene. It was a quiet bakery that was freshly built that read Jins bakery.

Jin turned around and looked at me with an unbelievable glance. He was surprised by the sudden build I had been creating that he didn't know that this even existed. He definitely still appreciated it as he spins me in his arms kissing you multiple times. He was opened about his affection for you and you felt like you deserved to give it back. He changed your life for the better even if my sister still had some hostility for me. i still knew Jin had my back through the whole thing.

"I very much appreciate the store but wouldn't 'Jin and Y/N's bakery but much better suited?"

I cooed at him for actually thinking about me and my efforts but i had my own passion. I still loved the stars and things that roamed beyond the kingdom. I pictured me and Jin getting out of the lifestyle we grown up in of the kingdom but for now on a small bakery living slightly normal was all set for the both of us. We were both living our passions day by day and i couldn't do it with anyone else.

I had to go through a small hell to be with the one person i cared about most but it was all worth it in the end for he is my true passion and i rather die than live without any passion.

Side note: Totally stole that quote from Jungkook

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